
What starts as a joy-filled yet exhausting parenting experience in the early years can turn ugly once adolescence starts. Often, as early as 5th or 6th grade, your once happy, carefree child turns into an argumentative, sassy, serious, brooding adolescent. You may not even recognize this angst-filled child by the time they are a teen. There are usually glimpses of their former selves. However, at this point, they are pushing boundaries and breaking rules. You have now become the dictator whose only job seems to be creating rules and enforcing consequences. There are very few opportunities for fun together or meaningful conversations. You are now the enemy that must be crushed or defeated. You know NOTHING about ANYTHING, and they know EVERYTHING!
So what happened? Have they lost their minds? Are they crazy? They are “logically challenged”. Their brain is not fully functional yet. It is going through tremendous change and development.
As a former psychology student, I remember learning that the brain reaches almost 95% of its size by age 5 or 6. Therefore, we thought environment and “good parenting” in the first five years of life were crucial for character and personality development. We believed intelligence, specific skills, and personality were set in stone by age 5. Therefore, it would be almost impossible to change any of those things, even with intensive therapy or assistance.
In the early 90s, research on brain development showed us that the most advanced parts of our brain are not complete until the mid-twenties. The prefrontal cortex is under major construction. That part of the brain is important for emotion, impulse control, and rational decision-making. As with anything under construction, there are often glitches. That is why one minute you can be talking with your intelligent, completely rational 15-year-old about their thoughts on a pressing social issue like world hunger, and the next minute, they have a complete meltdown because you asked them to unload the dishwasher.
What exactly is going on in that brain? While this significant development is taking place, adolescents have limited access to areas of the brain that are important for rational decision-making. Adults use two parts of the brain to make decisions: the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system, specifically the amygdala, is responsible for our fight-or-flight response. Once the limbic system is activated by a possible threat, adults use their prefrontal cortex to use additional information from the environment to determine if there is an actual threat, which helps us make a rational decision. For example, Adolescents on the other hand, rely heavily on the amygdala to make decisions. They have gut reactions and make decisions based on emotions. That is why when your 17-year-old makes a rash decision, it is useless to ask, “What were you thinking?!” They really weren’t thinking - their amygdala made them do it.
During adolescence, the most significant change in the brain for thinking and processing information is called “pruning.” Unused connections are eliminated during this process, and other connections are strengthened. This is where your role as a parent is vital. Parents should be encouraging good behavior, having conversations but mostly listening to what their child says, and encourage healthy habits, especially getting enough sleep.
What steps can a parent take to promote healthy brain development in their adolescent?
Offer praise and positive rewards for good behavior as opposed to punishment for bad behavior. Studies have repeatedly shown that punishment is ineffective for behavior change. At best, it may suppress a behavior for a time, but it is not effective in changing your adolescent’s behavior in the long term.
Have rules and boundaries that are negotiable. They will have to make their own decisions as adults, so they must start taking control of their lives while you are there to catch them when they fall.
Let your adolescent take healthy risks and let natural consequences help guide their decision-making.
Support a creative outlet for your teen. It could be playing or watching sports, music, art, writing, performing volunteer work, or any activity that they truly enjoy (outside of daily requirements of school or chores)
Help them talk through their decision-making step by step.
Be a good role model. They are always watching what you do.
One of the most important things you can do is to listen more than you talk.
Generally speaking, by age 12, your child knows right from wrong. After this age, your job is more of a coach or a guide rather than a teacher. Listen and help them process their emotions. Ask relevant questions about their thought processes or decision-making and give advice only when asked for. If you do, your angst-driven adolescent will turn into a well-adjusted, rational young adult who can take care of themselves and that you will enjoy spending time with.
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