What is the one thing that you can do right now, today, that will help your teen the most? After six years of parenting a struggling teen and hundreds of visits with psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, hospitals, day treatment, and a residential treatment center, there is one thing that sparked a change with my daughter, and it happened immediately. In the smallest increment, however, even moving a hair in the right direction was huge at that point. From that point on, our relationship began to heal, and it was more like we were a team fighting her mental illness rather than us tearing each other apart.
It is so simple but not always easy to do. Once you learn how to do it, you will be amazed at the positive effect it has on your relationship with your teen. The skill is validation.
What is validation? The Oxford online dictionary defines it as “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid and worthwhile.” It is actively listening to your loved one with total engagement in the moment and without judgment.
When your home is in chaos from the constant battles with your teen, it is difficult to control your own emotions enough to slow down and listen to validate. That is where staying mindful and controlling your emotions are so important. It is in that state we can genuinely listen to what our teen is saying. Validation lets your loved one know that you are listening and really hear what they are saying. You are not necessarily agreeing with them but you are recognizing the “kernel of truth” in their experience.
Validation is about meeting your loved one where they are in the moment without judgment or problem-solving. It’s about trying to understand what is happening in their head and empathizing with them.
You don’t have to agree with them about the details of a situation. It’s not about finding out the “facts”. It’s about seeing the world through their eyes and letting them know that it is ok to feel the way they feel, given their interpretation of the situation.
Validation will usually help to de-escalate your loved one to a level where they can start to manage their emotions again. They may even be open to problem management strategies. For me personally, it slows down the interaction between us. When I actively listen to my daughter fully and completely, my brain has no room for catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking.
Once they know you are listening, it seems to unlock something in their brain. In time, as you become better at validating your loved one, they start to be more open to hearing you or others and available to look at situations in a new light.

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